hmm.

so jess (lazukahouse.blogspot.com) read all about my bad dreams and told me that

"That little baby thing is freaky. I looked it up though and here is one interpretation:'To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. To dream of an extremely small baby, symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands."

nobody likes to admit their own vulnerability, but obviously if im having nightmared about it i should perhaps look into it. i gues it might be best to start by making a list of real or percieved vulnerabilities. so here goes.

VULNERABILITIES:
-death (real)
-financial ruin (real)
-aliens (perceived...or IS it?)
-insanity (perceived)
-tendency toward pacifism (real)
-tendency toward overindulgence (real)
-tendency toward irresponsibility (real)
-tendency toward addiction (not sure but probably real)

now, of these things (and this is by no means an exhaustive list), which could cause the kind of mind-torching anxiety that fuels the dreams i have? I will categorically eliminate the first two since both are a part of the natural (the former) or artificial (the latter) human condition and must therefore be accepted as a constant. that leaves us with my phobias of aliens and insanity on the percieved side, and my instinctive avoidance of conflict and various other self-destructive tendencies on the real side. might as well start with whats real and work through to what is percieved, since going backwards amuses me.

1- tendency towards pacifism.

this one is a real bitch. i have had this problem my whole life and have only been able to begin to overcome it in the last five years or so. for example, as a child i woud alow someone to stand on my foot in line rather than confront them about something they most likely werent even aware they were doing. On the other extreeme, i regulary endured insults, derision, and even physical assault without retaliation; often without even aknowledgement. over the years, this caused so much corrosive anger to build up in my that it eventualy turned to self loathing over never having stood up for myself or anyone else. then one day i heard a song by The Clash and realized that i am no better but certainly no lower than anyone else, and the next person who fucked with me was going to get it "three times back". even so, im like a recovering addict with pacifism. i have to remind myself that nobody alive has any right to cut me in line, insult me or my loved ones, or otherwise pull any shit over on me.

2- tendency towards overindulgence.

have we met? i dont seem to have any capacity for moderation WHATSOEVER. William Blake said that "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". while this may or may not be true, it is the reason why the upstairs bathroom in cluster c at bradford college was known as "The Palace of Wisdom" durring my tenure there.

3- tnedency towards irresponsibility

it may not seem like it, but this has alot to do with the pacifism deal. its like i instinctively assume i do not deserve to reap the benefits of being responsible, so i set traps for myself by acting grossly irresponsibly.

4- tendency towards addiction

lets just say ive killed my share of demons. and its true what joe strummer said; you dont chase them down, youve got to grab them and pinn them to the ground. and i still smoke and drink too much, and i seem to have a problem with cough drops.

OK, im going to knock off for tonight, but ill be back tomorrow with the PERCIEVED and then some kind of summary so that reading this doesnt seem like a COMPLETE waste of time (it was, though).