hmm.

so jess (lazukahouse.blogspot.com) read all about my bad dreams and told me that

"That little baby thing is freaky. I looked it up though and here is one interpretation:'To see a baby in your dream, signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies may symbolize something in your own inner nature which is pure, vulnerable, and/or uncorrupted. To dream of an extremely small baby, symbolizes your helplessness and your fears of letting others become aware of your vulnerabilities and incompetence. You may be afraid to ask for help and as a result tend to take matters into your own hands."

nobody likes to admit their own vulnerability, but obviously if im having nightmared about it i should perhaps look into it. i gues it might be best to start by making a list of real or percieved vulnerabilities. so here goes.

VULNERABILITIES:
-death (real)
-financial ruin (real)
-aliens (perceived...or IS it?)
-insanity (perceived)
-tendency toward pacifism (real)
-tendency toward overindulgence (real)
-tendency toward irresponsibility (real)
-tendency toward addiction (not sure but probably real)

now, of these things (and this is by no means an exhaustive list), which could cause the kind of mind-torching anxiety that fuels the dreams i have? I will categorically eliminate the first two since both are a part of the natural (the former) or artificial (the latter) human condition and must therefore be accepted as a constant. that leaves us with my phobias of aliens and insanity on the percieved side, and my instinctive avoidance of conflict and various other self-destructive tendencies on the real side. might as well start with whats real and work through to what is percieved, since going backwards amuses me.

1- tendency towards pacifism.

this one is a real bitch. i have had this problem my whole life and have only been able to begin to overcome it in the last five years or so. for example, as a child i woud alow someone to stand on my foot in line rather than confront them about something they most likely werent even aware they were doing. On the other extreeme, i regulary endured insults, derision, and even physical assault without retaliation; often without even aknowledgement. over the years, this caused so much corrosive anger to build up in my that it eventualy turned to self loathing over never having stood up for myself or anyone else. then one day i heard a song by The Clash and realized that i am no better but certainly no lower than anyone else, and the next person who fucked with me was going to get it "three times back". even so, im like a recovering addict with pacifism. i have to remind myself that nobody alive has any right to cut me in line, insult me or my loved ones, or otherwise pull any shit over on me.

2- tendency towards overindulgence.

have we met? i dont seem to have any capacity for moderation WHATSOEVER. William Blake said that "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". while this may or may not be true, it is the reason why the upstairs bathroom in cluster c at bradford college was known as "The Palace of Wisdom" durring my tenure there.

3- tnedency towards irresponsibility

it may not seem like it, but this has alot to do with the pacifism deal. its like i instinctively assume i do not deserve to reap the benefits of being responsible, so i set traps for myself by acting grossly irresponsibly.

4- tendency towards addiction

lets just say ive killed my share of demons. and its true what joe strummer said; you dont chase them down, youve got to grab them and pinn them to the ground. and i still smoke and drink too much, and i seem to have a problem with cough drops.

OK, im going to knock off for tonight, but ill be back tomorrow with the PERCIEVED and then some kind of summary so that reading this doesnt seem like a COMPLETE waste of time (it was, though).

bad dreams

last night i had horrible dreams. all night long i sweat and turned in fear and anxiety. at one point i dreamt that my sister was trying to kill me. then the usual dreams of screaming at my mother and trying to protect some kind of infant. i have this one allot; there is an "infant" that i am charged with protecting. but this infant is so small that it can sit comfortably in the palm of my hand. also, it talks. usually i have to keep this thing safe despite war, riots, zombies, or some other rediculous scenario. last night i had to keep it safe from my mother's recklessness.

so i kept waking up. i remember when i was younger i would have bad dreams and wake up scarred shitless and have trouble getting back to sleep. these days i wake up in a pitched rage, which i guess is indicative of what worries me subconsciously. im not affraid of mosters anymore. im affraid of losing control. of what? im affraid of the world spirialing into a chaos of nonsense that will make it impossible to care for the tiny speaking person in my hand. and when it happens my reaction is not one of fear but rather a boiling, frustrated rage with no possiblility of outlet, only of cyclical acceleration. thats got to be a metaphore for something. Is this some strange, preprogramed paternal fear that comes on a man of my age automatically? or am i seriously, deeply disturbed? i dont feel disturbed. not generaly anyway. its only after waking from dreams like this when i worry about this anger that aparently hides in my head somewhere.

anyway, like i said i kept waking up. and luckily katelyn was next to me, and the cats were generaly on the bed sleeping with us, and all of that is well and soothing to me, all of that is what i am and is stability for me. so i would wake up, maybe go to the toilet or the refrigerator to see if some chocolate had somehow materialized there. then i would clime back into the hot bed and mumble something to katelyn about bad dreams. she doesnt wake up, but somehow knows to roll over and put her small hand on my chest, which is the exact oposite of the fission that was only a few minutes ago causing my head to feel like it was reaching critical mass. and so i sleep and am happy for a few hours or minutes or whatever unit allows us to measure the time of sleep. but soon enought the bastards are at it again and im angry again and its not going to lest me rest, not this night.