aparently i have a reader whom i dont know... someone who hasnt read out of guilt...
can it be?
well, i promise to ramp up the posts. starting... later on.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
old and my favorite
Corporation for Public Broadcasting (c.c.'d the Children's Television Workshop)
To my life-long friends at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting,
I was born in 1978. As a result, I was among your prime demographic during what many consider to have been the golden age of children's television. In those long gone days of yore, us children were treated to hours upon hours of the highest quality entertainment, and the best of it came directly from your organization. I'm talking about Reading Rainbow, 3-2-1- Contact, Square-One, Mr.. Roger's Neighborhood, and, the Zeus of your Olympian Pantheon of childhood delight, Sesame Street. As a young lad, I squealed with boundless joy every time I saw my favorite characters parade across the screen. Not only were there frequent visits by the likes of C-3PO and R-2-D-2, but the old standbys such as Kermit the Frog (in a cross-over achievement remarkable for an artist of his stature, especially in those close-minded times), the terrifying Count, Forgetful Jones, Oscar the Grouch and his pall Slimy, The as-then invisible Mr. Snuffaluffagus (a Greek Mastodon? Genius!), and the late Mr. Hooper. Notice I have not included the lamentable and insufferable "Elmo", who came upon the scene like a festering boil, thankfully long after I had stopped watching.
The best, most loveable, and perhaps most misunderstood of your wonderful cast of characters was indubitably the obviously bulimic Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster represented to me the chaotic expulsiveness that came to dominate my early childhood; the snowball fights, the school bus riots, the terrorizing of countless babysitters. The way he would pour cookies into his mouth with reckless abandon, not even caring that most, if not all of them, fell right back out, all the while groaning his idiosyncratic "ummmmnumnumnummm" with almost orgasmic intensity, came to almost completely define my preadolescent worldview.
But now, this morning, I awoke to find that the most basic and totemic expression of my childhood glee has been, for lack of a better word, castrated by mindless pandering to the P.C. lobby. Cookie Monster has given up cookies. Take a second, and read that again. Cookie Monster has given up Cookies. WHAT THE FUCK. He now will eat vegetables, and even fruit.
I'm not even going to get into the fact that he is, in fact, a MONSTER, and therefore can eat whatever he damn well pleases. This is more a matter of principle. I find it repellent and regrettable that an institution as revered and important as CPB and PBS would bend to kiss the collective ass of all the miserable do-gooders out there that are afraid to indulge in a cookie binge from time to time. Have you no backbone, no integrity?
Unfortunately, at this time, I am disgusted beyond the capacity for rational thought, and so I will say no more. Let me just finish by saying that you have destroyed my childhood. You motherfuckers.
Sean Michael Conklin
Doctor of Awesomness.
To my life-long friends at the Corporation for Public Broadcasting,
I was born in 1978. As a result, I was among your prime demographic during what many consider to have been the golden age of children's television. In those long gone days of yore, us children were treated to hours upon hours of the highest quality entertainment, and the best of it came directly from your organization. I'm talking about Reading Rainbow, 3-2-1- Contact, Square-One, Mr.. Roger's Neighborhood, and, the Zeus of your Olympian Pantheon of childhood delight, Sesame Street. As a young lad, I squealed with boundless joy every time I saw my favorite characters parade across the screen. Not only were there frequent visits by the likes of C-3PO and R-2-D-2, but the old standbys such as Kermit the Frog (in a cross-over achievement remarkable for an artist of his stature, especially in those close-minded times), the terrifying Count, Forgetful Jones, Oscar the Grouch and his pall Slimy, The as-then invisible Mr. Snuffaluffagus (a Greek Mastodon? Genius!), and the late Mr. Hooper. Notice I have not included the lamentable and insufferable "Elmo", who came upon the scene like a festering boil, thankfully long after I had stopped watching.
The best, most loveable, and perhaps most misunderstood of your wonderful cast of characters was indubitably the obviously bulimic Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster represented to me the chaotic expulsiveness that came to dominate my early childhood; the snowball fights, the school bus riots, the terrorizing of countless babysitters. The way he would pour cookies into his mouth with reckless abandon, not even caring that most, if not all of them, fell right back out, all the while groaning his idiosyncratic "ummmmnumnumnummm" with almost orgasmic intensity, came to almost completely define my preadolescent worldview.
But now, this morning, I awoke to find that the most basic and totemic expression of my childhood glee has been, for lack of a better word, castrated by mindless pandering to the P.C. lobby. Cookie Monster has given up cookies. Take a second, and read that again. Cookie Monster has given up Cookies. WHAT THE FUCK. He now will eat vegetables, and even fruit.
I'm not even going to get into the fact that he is, in fact, a MONSTER, and therefore can eat whatever he damn well pleases. This is more a matter of principle. I find it repellent and regrettable that an institution as revered and important as CPB and PBS would bend to kiss the collective ass of all the miserable do-gooders out there that are afraid to indulge in a cookie binge from time to time. Have you no backbone, no integrity?
Unfortunately, at this time, I am disgusted beyond the capacity for rational thought, and so I will say no more. Let me just finish by saying that you have destroyed my childhood. You motherfuckers.
Sean Michael Conklin
Doctor of Awesomness.
Old but better
Budweisser:
Dear Budweiser,
I love budweiser beer. Budweiser is by far the freshest tasting, crispest, most refreshing beer that god ever invented. I love it, my wife loves it, our little daughter loves it! I know how some people are allways saying little kids shouldnt drink beer, but hey, at least its not crack, right? Also, my dog loves your beer. I usualy make him drink about 24 ounces at dinner, and i dont let him eat until he drinks it all. Then i feed him chocolate and chicken! YUM!
The best part about budweiser is the way it impairs your ability to drive! I didnt believe this at first, i allways thought driving drunk would be dangerous, but not with Bud! I fly throught the streets like a madman! I could never do that sober or drunk on some other, inferior beer. I usualy drink about 40 bottles of budweiser after work, then i put the wife and kids in the car and its off to the races! FUCK YEAH! Everybody better clear the roads, cause im hell on wheels, baby! YEAH!
Oh yeah, i love how much it makes me pee, too. And it softens my stools! no more uncomfortable bowel movements! When my daughter grows up and starts dating, im not letting her near anyone who doesnt drink at least a 12er of bud every day. How do they expect to have sex with my daughter if theyre not wasted on bud? Shes pretty ugly. Especially with the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She looks like kermit the goddamn frog.
Anyway, thank you for making the best beer in the universe. I love you so so so much.
ps- are those frogs still alive?
-Reverend Mint Conklin
Dear Budweiser,
I love budweiser beer. Budweiser is by far the freshest tasting, crispest, most refreshing beer that god ever invented. I love it, my wife loves it, our little daughter loves it! I know how some people are allways saying little kids shouldnt drink beer, but hey, at least its not crack, right? Also, my dog loves your beer. I usualy make him drink about 24 ounces at dinner, and i dont let him eat until he drinks it all. Then i feed him chocolate and chicken! YUM!
The best part about budweiser is the way it impairs your ability to drive! I didnt believe this at first, i allways thought driving drunk would be dangerous, but not with Bud! I fly throught the streets like a madman! I could never do that sober or drunk on some other, inferior beer. I usualy drink about 40 bottles of budweiser after work, then i put the wife and kids in the car and its off to the races! FUCK YEAH! Everybody better clear the roads, cause im hell on wheels, baby! YEAH!
Oh yeah, i love how much it makes me pee, too. And it softens my stools! no more uncomfortable bowel movements! When my daughter grows up and starts dating, im not letting her near anyone who doesnt drink at least a 12er of bud every day. How do they expect to have sex with my daughter if theyre not wasted on bud? Shes pretty ugly. Especially with the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. She looks like kermit the goddamn frog.
Anyway, thank you for making the best beer in the universe. I love you so so so much.
ps- are those frogs still alive?
-Reverend Mint Conklin
Old but good
I'm out of ideas, so just like holywood its time to start recycling. Here are some emails i wrote to various corporations a few years ago.
ConAgra Foods:
Hello my friends,
I just tried your Banguet brand Chicken Pot Pie, and all I can say is HOLY FUCKING SHIT THATS A GOOD POT PIE! I love pot pie, i love chicken, and i LOVE chicken pot pie. But ive never had one this good. I have been looking for the perfect CPP for years, ever since my mom used to make them back when i was little. She used to burn them badly, and they tasted like ballsack. Once she "accidently" droped one on my lap and caused 3rd degree burns on my genitals. but thats neither here nor there. The point is that the CPP YOU make is amazing. I love the way the flavor dances on my tounge, and all over my chest, when i rub it there. I wish i had more CPP. I just ate one on my lunch break, and my boss had to ask me to leave the lunchroom because i was moaning so loud. Aparently i was suposed to have pants on in the lunchroom as well. Who knew?
Anyway, Please keep making your wonderful CPPs. If you ever stop making them, i will starve to death.
Yours Truly,
Mint Conklin
ConAgra Foods:
Hello my friends,
I just tried your Banguet brand Chicken Pot Pie, and all I can say is HOLY FUCKING SHIT THATS A GOOD POT PIE! I love pot pie, i love chicken, and i LOVE chicken pot pie. But ive never had one this good. I have been looking for the perfect CPP for years, ever since my mom used to make them back when i was little. She used to burn them badly, and they tasted like ballsack. Once she "accidently" droped one on my lap and caused 3rd degree burns on my genitals. but thats neither here nor there. The point is that the CPP YOU make is amazing. I love the way the flavor dances on my tounge, and all over my chest, when i rub it there. I wish i had more CPP. I just ate one on my lunch break, and my boss had to ask me to leave the lunchroom because i was moaning so loud. Aparently i was suposed to have pants on in the lunchroom as well. Who knew?
Anyway, Please keep making your wonderful CPPs. If you ever stop making them, i will starve to death.
Yours Truly,
Mint Conklin
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