and god shall wipe away all the tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
revelation 21:4
for i reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy of comparisson with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
romans 8:18
My best friend since childhood lost his father last night. The circumstances are not of relevance here. I know that very few people will read this, and i'm not sure what i can say about it. my usual faculty for eloquence is just a mask, of course, and in the face of death im as mute as everyone else. I might be able to write about this later, when ive sorted it out in my own head. i might not. maybe i shouldnt try, maybe its not for me to do. in the meantime, my thoughts are with ben and abby and emily and jenny and everyone else that loved Andrew and learned from him.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Sixth Declaration of the Lacondon Jungle
(im reposting this from it's home at http://www.ezln.org/documentos/2005/sexta1.en.htm, mainly because its hard to find in english and everyone shoudl read it. if anyone associated with EZLN has a problwm with it's presence here, please ask and it will be taken down. -s)
ZAPATISTA ARMY OF NATIONAL LIBERATION.MEXICO.
Sixth Declaration of the Selva Lacandona
This is our simple word which seeks to touch the hearts of humble and simple people like ourselves, but people who are also, like ourselves, dignified and rebel. This is our simple word for recounting what our path has been and where we are now, in order to explain how we see the world and our country, in order to say what we are thinking of doing and how we are thinking of doing it, and in order to invite other persons to walk with us in something very great which is called Mexico and something greater which is called the world. This is our simple word in order to inform all honest and noble hearts what it is we want in Mexico and the world. This is our simple word, because it is our idea to call on those who are like us and to join together with them, everywhere they are living and struggling.
I - What We Are
We are the zapatistas of the EZLN, although we are also called "neo-zapatistas." Now, we, the zapatistas of the EZLN, rose up in arms in January of 1994 because we saw how widespread had become the evil wrought by the powerful who only humiliated us, stole from us, imprisoned us and killed us, and no one was saying anything or doing anything. That is why we said "Ya Basta!," that no longer were we going to allow them to make us inferior or to treat us worse than animals. And then we also said we wanted democracy, liberty and justice for all Mexicans although we were concentrated on the Indian peoples. Because it so happened that we, the EZLN, were almost all only indigenous from here in Chiapas, but we did not want to struggle just for own good, or just for the good of the indigenous of Chiapas, or just for the good of the Indian peoples of Mexico. We wanted to fight along with everyone who was humble and simple like ourselves and who was in great need and who suffered from exploitation and thievery by the rich and their bad governments here, in our Mexico, and in other countries in the world.
And then our small history was that we grew tired of exploitation by the powerful, and then we organized in order to defend ourselves and to fight for justice. In the beginning there were not many of us, just a few, going this way and that, talking with and listening to other people like us. We did that for many years, and we did it in secret, without making a stir. In other words, we joined forces in silence. We remained like that for about 10 years, and then we had grown, and then we were many thousands. We trained ourselves quite well in politics and weapons, and, suddenly, when the rich were throwing their New Year's Eve parties, we fell upon their cities and just took them over. And we left a message to everyone that here we are, that they have to take notice of us. And then the rich took off and sent their great armies to do away with us, just like they always do when the exploited rebel - they order them all to be done away with. But we were not done away with at all, because we had prepared ourselves quite well prior to the war, and we made ourselves strong in our mountains. And there were the armies, looking for us and throwing their bombs and bullets at us, and then they were making plans to kill off all the indigenous at one time, because they did not know who was a zapatista and who was not. And we were running and fighting, fighting and running, just like our ancestors had done. Without giving up, without surrendering, without being defeated.
And then the people from the cities went out into the streets and began shouting for an end to the war. And then we stopped our war, and we listened to those brothers and sisters from the city who were telling us to try to reach an arrangement or an accord with the bad governments, so that the problem could be resolved without a massacre. And so we paid attention to them, because they were what we call "the people," or the Mexican people. And so we set aside the fire and took up the word.
And it so happened that the governments said they would indeed be well-behaved, and they would engage in dialogue, and they would make accords, and they would fulfill them. And we said that was good, but we also thought it was good that we knew those people who went out into the streets in order to stop the war. Then, while we were engaging in dialogue with the bad governments, we were also talking with those persons, and we saw that most of them were humble and simple people like us, and both, they and we, understood quite well why we were fighting. And we called those people "civil society" because most of them did not belong to political parties, rather they were common, everyday people, like us, simple and humble people.
But it so happened that the bad governments did not want a good agreement, rather it was just their underhanded way of saying they were going to talk and to reach accords, while they were preparing their attacks in order to eliminate us once and for all. And so then they attacked us several times, but they did not defeat us, because we resisted quite well, and many people throughout the world mobilized. And then the bad governments thought that the problem was that many people saw what was happening with the EZLN, and they started their plan of acting as if nothing were going on. Meanwhile they were quick to surround us, they laid siege to us in hopes that, since our mountains are indeed remote, the people would then forget, since zapatista lands were so far away. And every so often the bad governments tested us and tried to deceive us or to attack us, like in February of 1995 when they threw a huge number of armies at us, but they did not defeat us. Because, as they said then, we were not alone, and many people helped us, and we resisted well.
And then the bad governments had to make accords with the EZLN, and those accords were called the "San Andrés Accords" because the municipality where those accords were signed was called "San Andrés." And we were not all alone in those dialogues, speaking with people from the bad governments. We invited many people and organizations who were, or are, engaged in the struggle for the Indian peoples of Mexico, and everyone spoke their word, and everyone reached agreement as to how we were going to speak with the bad governments. And that is how that dialogue was, not just the zapatistas on one side and the governments on the other. Instead, the Indian peoples of Mexico, and those who supported them, were with the zapatistas. And then the bad governments said in those accords that they were indeed going to recognize the rights of the Indian peoples of Mexico, and they were going to respect their culture, and they were going to make everything law in the Constitution. But then, once they had signed, the bad governments acted as if they had forgotten about them, and many years passed, and the accords were not fulfilled at all. Quite the opposite, the government attacked the indigenous, in order to make them back out of the struggle, as they did on December 22, 1997, the date on which Zedillo ordered the killing of 45 men, women, old ones and children in the town in Chiapas called ACTEAL. This immense crime was not so easily forgotten, and it was a demonstration of how the bad governments color their hearts in order to attack and assassinate those who rebel against injustices. And, while all of that was going on, we zapatistas were putting our all into the fulfillment of the accords and resisting in the mountains of the Mexican southeast.
And then we began speaking with other Indian peoples of Mexico and their organizations, and we made an agreement with them that we were going to struggle together for the same thing, for the recognition of indigenous rights and culture. Now we were also being helped by many people from all over the world and by persons who were well respected and whose word was quite great because they were great intellectuals, artists and scientists from Mexico and from all over the world. And we also held international encuentros. In other words, we joined together to talk with persons from America and from Asia and from Europe and from Africa and from Oceania, and we learned of their struggles and their ways, and we said they were "intergalactic" encuentros, just to be silly and because we had also invited those from other planets, but it appeared as if they had not come, or perhaps they did come, but they did not make it clear.
But the bad governments did not keep their word anyway, and then we made a plan to talk with many Mexicans so they would help us. And then, first in 1997, we held a march to Mexico City which was called "of the 1,111" because a compañero or compañera was going to go from each zapatista town, but the bad government did not pay any attention. And then, in 1999, we held a consulta throughout the country, and there it was seen that the majority were indeed in agreement with the demands of the Indian peoples, but again the bad governments did not pay any attention. And then, lastly, in 2001, we held what was called the "march for indigenous dignity" which had much support from millions of Mexicans and people from other countries, and it went to where the deputies and senators were, the Congress of the Union, in order to demand the recognition of the Mexican indigenous.
But it happened that no, the politicians from the PRI, the PAN and the PRD reached an agreement among themselves, and they simply did not recognize indigenous rights and culture. That was in April of 2001, and the politicians demonstrated quite clearly there that they had no decency whatsoever, and they were swine who thought only about making their good money as the bad politicians they were. This must be remembered, because you will now be seeing that they are going to say they will indeed recognize indigenous rights, but it is a lie they are telling so we will vote for them. But they already had their chance, and they did not keep their word.
And then we saw quite clearly that there was no point to dialogue and negotiation with the bad governments of Mexico. That it was a waste of time for us to be talking with the politicians, because neither their hearts nor their words were honest. They were crooked, and they told lies that they would keep their word, but they did not. In other words, on that day, when the politicians from the PRI, PAN and PRD approved a law that was no good, they killed dialogue once and for all, and they clearly stated that it did not matter what they had agreed to and signed, because they did not keep their word. And then we did not make any contacts with the federal branches. Because we understood that dialogue and negotiation had failed as a result of those political parties. We saw that blood did not matter to them, nor did death, suffering, mobilizations, consultas, efforts, national and international statements, encuentros, accords, signatures, commitments. And so the political class not only closed, one more time, the door to the Indian peoples, they also delivered a mortal blow to the peaceful resolution - through dialogue and negotiation - of the war. It can also no longer be believed that the accords will be fulfilled by someone who comes along with something or other. They should see that there so that they can learn from experience what happened to us.
And then we saw all of that, and we wondered in our hearts what we were going to do.
And the first thing we saw was that our heart was not the same as before, when we began our struggle. It was larger, because now we had touched the hearts of many good people. And we also saw that our heart was more hurt, it was more wounded. And it was not wounded by the deceits of the bad governments, but because, when we touched the hearts of others, we also touched their sorrows. It was as if we were seeing ourselves in a mirror.
II. - Where We Are Now
Then, like the zapatistas we are, we thought that it was not enough to stop engaging in dialogue with the government, but it was necessary to continue on ahead in the struggle, in spite of those lazy parasites of politicians. The EZLN then decided to carry out, alone and on their side ("unilateral", in other words, because just one side), the San Andrés Accords regarding indigenous rights and culture. For 4 years, since the middle of 2001 until the middle of 2005, we have devoted ourselves to this and to other things which we are going to tell you about.
Fine, we then began encouraging the autonomous rebel zapatista municipalities - which is how the peoples are organized in order to govern and to govern themselves - in order to make themselves stronger. This method of autonomous government was not simply invented by the EZLN, but rather it comes from several centuries of indigenous resistance and from the zapatistas' own experience. It is the self-governance of the communities. In other words, no one from outside comes to govern, but the peoples themselves decide, among themselves, who governs and how, and, if they do not obey, they are removed. If the one who governs does not obey the people, they pursue them, they are removed from authority, and another comes in.
But then we saw that the Autonomous Municipalities were not level. There were some that were more advanced and which had more support from civil society, and others were more neglected. The organization was lacking to make them more on a par with each other. And we also saw that the EZLN, with its political-military component, was involving itself in decisions which belonged to the democratic authorities, "civilians" as they say. And here the problem is that the political-military component of the EZLN is not democratic, because it is an army. And we saw that the military being above, and the democratic below, was not good, because what is democratic should not be decided militarily, it should be the reverse: the democratic-political governing above, and the military obeying below. Or, perhaps, it would be better with nothing below, just completely level, without any military, and that is why the zapatistas are soldiers so that there will not be any soldiers. Fine, what we then did about this problem was to begin separating the political-military from the autonomous and democratic aspects of organization in the zapatista communities. And so, actions and decisions which had previously been made and taken by the EZLN were being passed, little by little, to the democratically elected authorities in the villages. It is easy to say, of course, but it was very difficult in practice, because many years have passed - first in the preparation for the war and then the war itself - and the political-military aspects have become customary. But, regardless, we did so because it is our way to do what we say, because, if not, why should we go around saying things if we do not then do them.
That was how the Good Government Juntas were born, in August of 2003, and, through them, self-learning and the exercise of "govern obeying" has continued.
From that time and until the middle of 2005, the EZLN leadership has no longer involved itself in giving orders in civil matters, but it has accompanied and helped the authorities who are democratically elected by the peoples. It has also kept watch that the peoples and national and international civil society are kept well informed concerning the aid that is received and how it is used. And now we are passing the work of safeguarding good government to the zapatista support bases, with temporary positions which are rotated, so that everyone learns and carries out this work. Because we believe that a people which does not watch over its leaders is condemned to be enslaved, and we fought to be free, not to change masters every six years.
The EZLN, during these 4 years, also handed over to the Good Government Juntas and the Autonomous Municipalities the aid and contacts which they had attained throughout Mexico and the world during these years of war and resistance. The EZLN had also, during that time, been building economic and political support which allowed the zapatista communities to make progress with fewer difficulties in the building of their autonomy and in improving their living conditions. It is not much, but it is far better than what they had prior to the beginning of the uprising in January of 1994. If you look at one of those studies the governments make, you will see that the only indigenous communities which have improved their living conditions - whether in health, education, food or housing - were those which are in zapatista territory, which is what we call where our villages are. And all of that has been possible because of the progress made by the zapatista villages and because of the very large support which has been received from good and noble persons, whom we call "civil societies," and from their organizations throughout the world. As if all of these people have made "another world is possible" a reality, but through actions, not just words.
And the villages have made good progress. Now there are more compañeros and compañeras who are learning to govern. And - even though little by little - there are more women going into this work, but there is still a lack of respect for the compañeras, and they need to participate more in the work of the struggle. And, also through the Good Government Juntas, coordination has been improved between the Autonomous Municipalities and the resolution of problems with other organizations and with the official authorities. There has also been much improvement in the projects in the communities, and the distribution of projects and aid given by civil society from all over the world has become more level. Health and education have improved, although there is still a good deal lacking for it to be what it should be. The same is true for housing and food, and in some areas there has been much improvement with the problem of land, because the lands recovered from the finqueros are being distributed. But there are areas which continue to suffer from a lack of lands to cultivate. And there has been great improvement in the support from national and international civil society, because previously everyone went wherever they wanted, and now the Good Government Juntas are directing them to where the greatest need exists. And, similarly, everywhere there are more compañeros and compañeras who are learning to relate to persons from other parts of Mexico and of the world,. They are learning to respect and to demand respect. They are learning that there are many worlds, and that everyone has their place, their time and their way, and therefore there must be mutual respect between everyone.
We, the zapatistas of the EZLN, have devoted this time to our primary force, to the peoples who support us. And the situation has indeed improved some. No one can say that the zapatista organization and struggle has been without point, but rather, even if they were to do away with us completely, our struggle has indeed been of some use.
But it is not just the zapatista villages which have grown - the EZLN has also grown. Because what has happened during this time is that new generations have renewed our entire organization. They have added new strength. The comandantes and comandantas who were in their maturity at the beginning of the uprising in 1994 now have the wisdom they gained in the war and in the 12 years of dialogue with thousands of men and women from throughout the world. The members of the CCRI, the zapatista political-organizational leadership, is now counseling and directing the new ones who are entering our struggle, as well as those who are holding leadership positions. For some time now the "committees" (which is what we call them) have been preparing an entire new generation of comandantes and comandantas who, following a period of instruction and testing, are beginning to learn the work of organizational leadership and to discharge their duties. And it also so happens that our insurgents, insurgentas, militants, local and regional responsables, as well as support bases, who were youngsters at the beginning of the uprising, are now mature men and women, combat veterans and natural leaders in their units and communities. And those who were children in that January of '94 are now young people who have grown up in the resistance, and they have been trained in the rebel dignity lifted up by their elders throughout these 12 years of war. These young people have a political, technical and cultural training that we who began the zapatista movement did not have. This youth is now, more and more, sustaining our troops as well as leadership positions in the organization. And, indeed, all of us have seen the deceits by the Mexican political class and the destruction which their actions have caused in our patria. And we have seen the great injustices and massacres that neoliberal globalization causes throughout the world. But we will speak to you of that later.
And so the EZLN has resisted 12 years of war, of military, political, ideological and economic attacks, of siege, of harassment, of persecution, and they have not vanquished us. We have not sold out nor surrendered, and we have made progress. More compañeros from many places have entered into the struggle so that, instead of making us weaker after so many years, we have become stronger. Of course there are problems which can be resolved by more separation of the political-military from the civil-democratic. But there are things, the most important ones, such as our demands for which we struggle, which have not been fully achieved.
To our way of thinking, and what we see in our heart, we have reached a point where we cannot go any further, and, in addition, it is possible that we could lose everything we have if we remain as we are and do nothing more in order to move forward. The hour has come to take a risk once again and to take a step which is dangerous but which is worthwhile. Because, perhaps united with other social sectors who suffer from the same wants as we do, it will be possible to achieve what we need and what we deserve. A new step forward in the indigenous struggle is only possible if the indigenous join together with workers, campesinos, students, teachers, employees...the workers of the city and the countryside.
(To be continued...)
From the mountains of the Mexican Southeast.
Clandestine Revolutionary Indigenous Committee - General Command of the Zapatista Army of National Liberation.
Mexico, in the sixth month of the year 2005.
Translated by irlandesa
ZAPATISTA ARMY OF NATIONAL LIBERATION.MEXICO.
Sixth Declaration of the Selva Lacandona
This is our simple word which seeks to touch the hearts of humble and simple people like ourselves, but people who are also, like ourselves, dignified and rebel. This is our simple word for recounting what our path has been and where we are now, in order to explain how we see the world and our country, in order to say what we are thinking of doing and how we are thinking of doing it, and in order to invite other persons to walk with us in something very great which is called Mexico and something greater which is called the world. This is our simple word in order to inform all honest and noble hearts what it is we want in Mexico and the world. This is our simple word, because it is our idea to call on those who are like us and to join together with them, everywhere they are living and struggling.
I - What We Are
We are the zapatistas of the EZLN, although we are also called "neo-zapatistas." Now, we, the zapatistas of the EZLN, rose up in arms in January of 1994 because we saw how widespread had become the evil wrought by the powerful who only humiliated us, stole from us, imprisoned us and killed us, and no one was saying anything or doing anything. That is why we said "Ya Basta!," that no longer were we going to allow them to make us inferior or to treat us worse than animals. And then we also said we wanted democracy, liberty and justice for all Mexicans although we were concentrated on the Indian peoples. Because it so happened that we, the EZLN, were almost all only indigenous from here in Chiapas, but we did not want to struggle just for own good, or just for the good of the indigenous of Chiapas, or just for the good of the Indian peoples of Mexico. We wanted to fight along with everyone who was humble and simple like ourselves and who was in great need and who suffered from exploitation and thievery by the rich and their bad governments here, in our Mexico, and in other countries in the world.
And then our small history was that we grew tired of exploitation by the powerful, and then we organized in order to defend ourselves and to fight for justice. In the beginning there were not many of us, just a few, going this way and that, talking with and listening to other people like us. We did that for many years, and we did it in secret, without making a stir. In other words, we joined forces in silence. We remained like that for about 10 years, and then we had grown, and then we were many thousands. We trained ourselves quite well in politics and weapons, and, suddenly, when the rich were throwing their New Year's Eve parties, we fell upon their cities and just took them over. And we left a message to everyone that here we are, that they have to take notice of us. And then the rich took off and sent their great armies to do away with us, just like they always do when the exploited rebel - they order them all to be done away with. But we were not done away with at all, because we had prepared ourselves quite well prior to the war, and we made ourselves strong in our mountains. And there were the armies, looking for us and throwing their bombs and bullets at us, and then they were making plans to kill off all the indigenous at one time, because they did not know who was a zapatista and who was not. And we were running and fighting, fighting and running, just like our ancestors had done. Without giving up, without surrendering, without being defeated.
And then the people from the cities went out into the streets and began shouting for an end to the war. And then we stopped our war, and we listened to those brothers and sisters from the city who were telling us to try to reach an arrangement or an accord with the bad governments, so that the problem could be resolved without a massacre. And so we paid attention to them, because they were what we call "the people," or the Mexican people. And so we set aside the fire and took up the word.
And it so happened that the governments said they would indeed be well-behaved, and they would engage in dialogue, and they would make accords, and they would fulfill them. And we said that was good, but we also thought it was good that we knew those people who went out into the streets in order to stop the war. Then, while we were engaging in dialogue with the bad governments, we were also talking with those persons, and we saw that most of them were humble and simple people like us, and both, they and we, understood quite well why we were fighting. And we called those people "civil society" because most of them did not belong to political parties, rather they were common, everyday people, like us, simple and humble people.
But it so happened that the bad governments did not want a good agreement, rather it was just their underhanded way of saying they were going to talk and to reach accords, while they were preparing their attacks in order to eliminate us once and for all. And so then they attacked us several times, but they did not defeat us, because we resisted quite well, and many people throughout the world mobilized. And then the bad governments thought that the problem was that many people saw what was happening with the EZLN, and they started their plan of acting as if nothing were going on. Meanwhile they were quick to surround us, they laid siege to us in hopes that, since our mountains are indeed remote, the people would then forget, since zapatista lands were so far away. And every so often the bad governments tested us and tried to deceive us or to attack us, like in February of 1995 when they threw a huge number of armies at us, but they did not defeat us. Because, as they said then, we were not alone, and many people helped us, and we resisted well.
And then the bad governments had to make accords with the EZLN, and those accords were called the "San Andrés Accords" because the municipality where those accords were signed was called "San Andrés." And we were not all alone in those dialogues, speaking with people from the bad governments. We invited many people and organizations who were, or are, engaged in the struggle for the Indian peoples of Mexico, and everyone spoke their word, and everyone reached agreement as to how we were going to speak with the bad governments. And that is how that dialogue was, not just the zapatistas on one side and the governments on the other. Instead, the Indian peoples of Mexico, and those who supported them, were with the zapatistas. And then the bad governments said in those accords that they were indeed going to recognize the rights of the Indian peoples of Mexico, and they were going to respect their culture, and they were going to make everything law in the Constitution. But then, once they had signed, the bad governments acted as if they had forgotten about them, and many years passed, and the accords were not fulfilled at all. Quite the opposite, the government attacked the indigenous, in order to make them back out of the struggle, as they did on December 22, 1997, the date on which Zedillo ordered the killing of 45 men, women, old ones and children in the town in Chiapas called ACTEAL. This immense crime was not so easily forgotten, and it was a demonstration of how the bad governments color their hearts in order to attack and assassinate those who rebel against injustices. And, while all of that was going on, we zapatistas were putting our all into the fulfillment of the accords and resisting in the mountains of the Mexican southeast.
And then we began speaking with other Indian peoples of Mexico and their organizations, and we made an agreement with them that we were going to struggle together for the same thing, for the recognition of indigenous rights and culture. Now we were also being helped by many people from all over the world and by persons who were well respected and whose word was quite great because they were great intellectuals, artists and scientists from Mexico and from all over the world. And we also held international encuentros. In other words, we joined together to talk with persons from America and from Asia and from Europe and from Africa and from Oceania, and we learned of their struggles and their ways, and we said they were "intergalactic" encuentros, just to be silly and because we had also invited those from other planets, but it appeared as if they had not come, or perhaps they did come, but they did not make it clear.
But the bad governments did not keep their word anyway, and then we made a plan to talk with many Mexicans so they would help us. And then, first in 1997, we held a march to Mexico City which was called "of the 1,111" because a compañero or compañera was going to go from each zapatista town, but the bad government did not pay any attention. And then, in 1999, we held a consulta throughout the country, and there it was seen that the majority were indeed in agreement with the demands of the Indian peoples, but again the bad governments did not pay any attention. And then, lastly, in 2001, we held what was called the "march for indigenous dignity" which had much support from millions of Mexicans and people from other countries, and it went to where the deputies and senators were, the Congress of the Union, in order to demand the recognition of the Mexican indigenous.
But it happened that no, the politicians from the PRI, the PAN and the PRD reached an agreement among themselves, and they simply did not recognize indigenous rights and culture. That was in April of 2001, and the politicians demonstrated quite clearly there that they had no decency whatsoever, and they were swine who thought only about making their good money as the bad politicians they were. This must be remembered, because you will now be seeing that they are going to say they will indeed recognize indigenous rights, but it is a lie they are telling so we will vote for them. But they already had their chance, and they did not keep their word.
And then we saw quite clearly that there was no point to dialogue and negotiation with the bad governments of Mexico. That it was a waste of time for us to be talking with the politicians, because neither their hearts nor their words were honest. They were crooked, and they told lies that they would keep their word, but they did not. In other words, on that day, when the politicians from the PRI, PAN and PRD approved a law that was no good, they killed dialogue once and for all, and they clearly stated that it did not matter what they had agreed to and signed, because they did not keep their word. And then we did not make any contacts with the federal branches. Because we understood that dialogue and negotiation had failed as a result of those political parties. We saw that blood did not matter to them, nor did death, suffering, mobilizations, consultas, efforts, national and international statements, encuentros, accords, signatures, commitments. And so the political class not only closed, one more time, the door to the Indian peoples, they also delivered a mortal blow to the peaceful resolution - through dialogue and negotiation - of the war. It can also no longer be believed that the accords will be fulfilled by someone who comes along with something or other. They should see that there so that they can learn from experience what happened to us.
And then we saw all of that, and we wondered in our hearts what we were going to do.
And the first thing we saw was that our heart was not the same as before, when we began our struggle. It was larger, because now we had touched the hearts of many good people. And we also saw that our heart was more hurt, it was more wounded. And it was not wounded by the deceits of the bad governments, but because, when we touched the hearts of others, we also touched their sorrows. It was as if we were seeing ourselves in a mirror.
II. - Where We Are Now
Then, like the zapatistas we are, we thought that it was not enough to stop engaging in dialogue with the government, but it was necessary to continue on ahead in the struggle, in spite of those lazy parasites of politicians. The EZLN then decided to carry out, alone and on their side ("unilateral", in other words, because just one side), the San Andrés Accords regarding indigenous rights and culture. For 4 years, since the middle of 2001 until the middle of 2005, we have devoted ourselves to this and to other things which we are going to tell you about.
Fine, we then began encouraging the autonomous rebel zapatista municipalities - which is how the peoples are organized in order to govern and to govern themselves - in order to make themselves stronger. This method of autonomous government was not simply invented by the EZLN, but rather it comes from several centuries of indigenous resistance and from the zapatistas' own experience. It is the self-governance of the communities. In other words, no one from outside comes to govern, but the peoples themselves decide, among themselves, who governs and how, and, if they do not obey, they are removed. If the one who governs does not obey the people, they pursue them, they are removed from authority, and another comes in.
But then we saw that the Autonomous Municipalities were not level. There were some that were more advanced and which had more support from civil society, and others were more neglected. The organization was lacking to make them more on a par with each other. And we also saw that the EZLN, with its political-military component, was involving itself in decisions which belonged to the democratic authorities, "civilians" as they say. And here the problem is that the political-military component of the EZLN is not democratic, because it is an army. And we saw that the military being above, and the democratic below, was not good, because what is democratic should not be decided militarily, it should be the reverse: the democratic-political governing above, and the military obeying below. Or, perhaps, it would be better with nothing below, just completely level, without any military, and that is why the zapatistas are soldiers so that there will not be any soldiers. Fine, what we then did about this problem was to begin separating the political-military from the autonomous and democratic aspects of organization in the zapatista communities. And so, actions and decisions which had previously been made and taken by the EZLN were being passed, little by little, to the democratically elected authorities in the villages. It is easy to say, of course, but it was very difficult in practice, because many years have passed - first in the preparation for the war and then the war itself - and the political-military aspects have become customary. But, regardless, we did so because it is our way to do what we say, because, if not, why should we go around saying things if we do not then do them.
That was how the Good Government Juntas were born, in August of 2003, and, through them, self-learning and the exercise of "govern obeying" has continued.
From that time and until the middle of 2005, the EZLN leadership has no longer involved itself in giving orders in civil matters, but it has accompanied and helped the authorities who are democratically elected by the peoples. It has also kept watch that the peoples and national and international civil society are kept well informed concerning the aid that is received and how it is used. And now we are passing the work of safeguarding good government to the zapatista support bases, with temporary positions which are rotated, so that everyone learns and carries out this work. Because we believe that a people which does not watch over its leaders is condemned to be enslaved, and we fought to be free, not to change masters every six years.
The EZLN, during these 4 years, also handed over to the Good Government Juntas and the Autonomous Municipalities the aid and contacts which they had attained throughout Mexico and the world during these years of war and resistance. The EZLN had also, during that time, been building economic and political support which allowed the zapatista communities to make progress with fewer difficulties in the building of their autonomy and in improving their living conditions. It is not much, but it is far better than what they had prior to the beginning of the uprising in January of 1994. If you look at one of those studies the governments make, you will see that the only indigenous communities which have improved their living conditions - whether in health, education, food or housing - were those which are in zapatista territory, which is what we call where our villages are. And all of that has been possible because of the progress made by the zapatista villages and because of the very large support which has been received from good and noble persons, whom we call "civil societies," and from their organizations throughout the world. As if all of these people have made "another world is possible" a reality, but through actions, not just words.
And the villages have made good progress. Now there are more compañeros and compañeras who are learning to govern. And - even though little by little - there are more women going into this work, but there is still a lack of respect for the compañeras, and they need to participate more in the work of the struggle. And, also through the Good Government Juntas, coordination has been improved between the Autonomous Municipalities and the resolution of problems with other organizations and with the official authorities. There has also been much improvement in the projects in the communities, and the distribution of projects and aid given by civil society from all over the world has become more level. Health and education have improved, although there is still a good deal lacking for it to be what it should be. The same is true for housing and food, and in some areas there has been much improvement with the problem of land, because the lands recovered from the finqueros are being distributed. But there are areas which continue to suffer from a lack of lands to cultivate. And there has been great improvement in the support from national and international civil society, because previously everyone went wherever they wanted, and now the Good Government Juntas are directing them to where the greatest need exists. And, similarly, everywhere there are more compañeros and compañeras who are learning to relate to persons from other parts of Mexico and of the world,. They are learning to respect and to demand respect. They are learning that there are many worlds, and that everyone has their place, their time and their way, and therefore there must be mutual respect between everyone.
We, the zapatistas of the EZLN, have devoted this time to our primary force, to the peoples who support us. And the situation has indeed improved some. No one can say that the zapatista organization and struggle has been without point, but rather, even if they were to do away with us completely, our struggle has indeed been of some use.
But it is not just the zapatista villages which have grown - the EZLN has also grown. Because what has happened during this time is that new generations have renewed our entire organization. They have added new strength. The comandantes and comandantas who were in their maturity at the beginning of the uprising in 1994 now have the wisdom they gained in the war and in the 12 years of dialogue with thousands of men and women from throughout the world. The members of the CCRI, the zapatista political-organizational leadership, is now counseling and directing the new ones who are entering our struggle, as well as those who are holding leadership positions. For some time now the "committees" (which is what we call them) have been preparing an entire new generation of comandantes and comandantas who, following a period of instruction and testing, are beginning to learn the work of organizational leadership and to discharge their duties. And it also so happens that our insurgents, insurgentas, militants, local and regional responsables, as well as support bases, who were youngsters at the beginning of the uprising, are now mature men and women, combat veterans and natural leaders in their units and communities. And those who were children in that January of '94 are now young people who have grown up in the resistance, and they have been trained in the rebel dignity lifted up by their elders throughout these 12 years of war. These young people have a political, technical and cultural training that we who began the zapatista movement did not have. This youth is now, more and more, sustaining our troops as well as leadership positions in the organization. And, indeed, all of us have seen the deceits by the Mexican political class and the destruction which their actions have caused in our patria. And we have seen the great injustices and massacres that neoliberal globalization causes throughout the world. But we will speak to you of that later.
And so the EZLN has resisted 12 years of war, of military, political, ideological and economic attacks, of siege, of harassment, of persecution, and they have not vanquished us. We have not sold out nor surrendered, and we have made progress. More compañeros from many places have entered into the struggle so that, instead of making us weaker after so many years, we have become stronger. Of course there are problems which can be resolved by more separation of the political-military from the civil-democratic. But there are things, the most important ones, such as our demands for which we struggle, which have not been fully achieved.
To our way of thinking, and what we see in our heart, we have reached a point where we cannot go any further, and, in addition, it is possible that we could lose everything we have if we remain as we are and do nothing more in order to move forward. The hour has come to take a risk once again and to take a step which is dangerous but which is worthwhile. Because, perhaps united with other social sectors who suffer from the same wants as we do, it will be possible to achieve what we need and what we deserve. A new step forward in the indigenous struggle is only possible if the indigenous join together with workers, campesinos, students, teachers, employees...the workers of the city and the countryside.
(To be continued...)
From the mountains of the Mexican Southeast.
Clandestine Revolutionary Indigenous Committee - General Command of the Zapatista Army of National Liberation.
Mexico, in the sixth month of the year 2005.
Translated by irlandesa
Monday, February 25, 2008
I was sick, too
just now getting over it. One week of sick. Coughing up horrible things. Having more hot flashes than your highschool lunchlady. shity, shity. And now it looks like Katelyn has it, too. And Weathers, she got it as well. Cobb is next. Then, it will probably come back around to me again.
What else? Oh, my "boss" got fired today. Hilarious. Just Friday I was saying that it was only a matter of time...
Anything else? Hmmm. I was watching the History Channel the other day (weird, right?) and they have a great new program called History of the Joke. Its hosted by Lewis Black and its pretty awesome. Anyway, they told this one joke that was awesome.
q: Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive a car?
a: she was a woman.
fucking brilliant, man.
What else? Oh, my "boss" got fired today. Hilarious. Just Friday I was saying that it was only a matter of time...
Anything else? Hmmm. I was watching the History Channel the other day (weird, right?) and they have a great new program called History of the Joke. Its hosted by Lewis Black and its pretty awesome. Anyway, they told this one joke that was awesome.
q: Why couldnt Hellen Keller drive a car?
a: she was a woman.
fucking brilliant, man.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
...and still more
more shit i pasted from my OLD blog, from back in the day
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
long, pointless, and not funny at all. Sorry.
A dog that hadnt eaten in 3 weeks jumped up and tore his face off. Just like that. Chimps'll do it, too. You have to be careful. You have to walk around on fucking eggshells out here or you might just walk on glass. Im five years out of that goddamn bathroom where i left the nightime chills, window sills, spoon and pills and rolled-up bills. Hey, more than that, allmost i think 6 or seven years? But the 3 before the last 2 are a mess of fog and slurring haze that no one can remember but me, and i was blacked out for most of it. I am on the verge of a fucking nervous breakdown here. Its bad enough worrying in a way that is only half-joking, and only then so that it isnt all real, about the goddamn aliens and WHAT THEY ARE DOING up there and what have they got in store for YOU as you lie in bed too terrified to open your eyes at 3 am.....but now you have other things to worry about, dogs who are dying though they arent even sick, evil swine who are driving the fucking wagon towards the cliff at 500 MPH, insane family and all-too-sane coworkers. Youve got to worry about a car you havent seen in a year, because it blew up. Youve got to worry about whats going to happen in 10 years when your brothers get a chance to be as fucked up as you are, abour whats going to happen in ? years when someone finaly notices and brings the hammer down hard on your head, right at the exact second that you remember you forgot to wear your helmet that day...Yeah but sometimes you forget to worry and those are the times that you must concentrate on. Stretch them out as long as possible and refuse to let them end because their ending means the fucking Kracken will rise up again and then you are properly fucked. But in those times, ignore everything else. Tune it out. Ride the train you are on until it slams into the platform at the other end of the line, and then crawl up out of the wreckage, ignore your wounds completely, and kick as hard as you can at the door of the train on the oposite platform until they let you in so you can start the ride again. Because its fucking cold out there and if you wind up having to WALK, youre in for it. Thats a long, shitty walk through hostile teritory with no supplies at all except a big neon sign advertising your vulnerability and inadequecy. Sure, sometimes you may be strong enough to make the walk, but not by yourself. Fuck no. So when you are by yourself, make sure you are on the train, see? or at least on the tracks. There is no shame in defeat. There is only shame in surrender. When it is raining, it is foolish to attempt to stay dry. When life hands you lemmons, burn them to the ground, salt the earth 3 feet thick, and then kick life in the balls until it gives you the grapes you asked for in the first place. Never trust anyone that doesnt have any scars. "Ignore all alien orders and communications". Allways walk on the sunny side of the street. invest everything you have in whatever makes you happy. fuck everything else.
12:13 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, March 04, 2005
Speaking of Indiana Jones
When I was a kid, and I would get together with the one friend I had back then (we are talking like pre 1987 here), a kid named Sam, we allways did one of 3 things. We would either play with our Masters of the Universe Action Figures, which wasnt often becuase i had a habit of chewng the heads off of mine, or we would have "ninja practice", which was exactly what it sounds like and allways ended with blood, tears, grass stains and at least one broken couch or appliance, or, if it was a good day, we would play Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones was awesome, because Sam and I would BOTH be Indiana. We each got the cool jacket, the cool hat, the fucking bullwhip and machete (which we thought was a sword because we were like 9 years old), and the impenetrable coolness of a renegade archeologist hell-bent on keeping the great treasures of the world out of Nazi or Thugee hands. (fucking Thugee bastards...)Now, Sam had all sorts of toys. He had a shitload. He had the fucking Moon of Endor playset, Jabas palace playset, a fucking AT-AT walker. He had the goddamn Milenium Falcon hanging from his ceiling with fishing line. Fuck. He had Gi Joes, Masters of the Universe that still had their heads AND their weapons, and, fuck me running, he had not only the Castle Greyskull playset (i destroyed mine when i closed a very young cat inside of it and hurled it down the stairs), but ALSO the entire fucking Hordak's Evil Horde and their hideout. He had Snake Mountain, where Skeletor lived, that had, I shit you not, a goddamn VOICE DISTORTING MICROPHONE IN THE SHAPE OF A SNAKE ON IT that you could talk into and hear yourself sounding seriously evil. But we never played with the fucking things. This must have infuriated his parents, becuase while the toys were left to moulder in a corner, we were bouncing off the fucking walls with our imaginary floppy brown fedoras, singing the Indiana Jones music at the top of our lungs. "Du-da-da DAH, dududa, du da da DAAAAAH, du du du duuu duuu!!!!!" Fucking ROCK ON! These are the best memories of my life. Once, in a moment of sheer inspired genious, we put Raiders of the Lost Ark, which had the previous evening been taped off "the Movie Loft", into the VCR and TAPED THE SOUNDTRACK onto a blank tape on my Fisher Price, so that we could actually HAVE THE FUCKING INDIANA JONES MUSIC AND DIALOGUE playing in the background while we ran around like lunatics, bashing each other with wifflebats (swords) and running into walls as fast as we could. God, we were fucking awesome.
10:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, February 11, 2005
Johnson&Johnson email prank (KY Jelly)
Hello to all my friends at Johnson and Johnson. I am writing today to let you know about a disturbing experience that I had recently, that unfortunately involved one of your many products. First, let me say that I have been using your products ever since i was a baby and your "no more tears" baby shampoo perminently burned my retinas. Later, I suffered the stagering pain of my prepubescent leg hairs being torn out by your "band-Aid" brand adhesive bandages. Later still, while in High Shool, your various diferent kinds of "baby powder" did nothing to quensh my horrible daiper-rash, even when i snorted it, which cased me to wonder if it was even made from real babies. I have had many misadventures with your products, too numerous to list, and yet i have continued to remail a loyal consumer. After all, you have been keeping the world healthy and happy since 1324, or some shit. Anyway, about a week ago, i was in my local drugstore shopping for the latest exciting J&J product, when i happened upon a tube of something called "KY Jelly". I had never seen this before. "Huh, I didnt realize they were making food...when did Kentucky start making Jelly for Johnson and Johnson?" I wondered. But I knew never to look a gift horse in the mouth, as it were, so i decided to give the Kentucky Jelly a try. I figured, "hey, i like jelly, and ive never been to Kentucky, so what the fuck, right?" Wrong. Let me tell you that the Kentucky Jelly is by far the WORST tasting jelly i have ever put into my mouth. But thats not the thing that disturbed me. After retching at the awful taste and texture of the Kentucky Jelly, I spat it out and looked for the ingredients, thinking "what the flying toothless fuck is in this shit anyway?!?!?!" To my suprise, there WAS no ingredients, only "directions for use". And what did these directions say? TO APLY THE KENTUCKY JELLY TO MY GENITALS before eating it. Now I must ask you, is this some kind of sick joke? Ill have you know that its not very funny. I wanted to give you people the benefit of the doubt, and even though i couldnt see how my love-stick could possibly make the Kentucky Jelly taste any better, I tried it. Do you have any idea how dificult it is to get your own penis into your mouth? Aparently, it is completely imposible. All i suceded in doing was hyperextending several vertebre in my neck and severely laccerating my lower intestine. What the hell were you people thinking?Please send me as many free samples of Kentucky Jelly as legaly possible. Yours, The Right Rev. Mint Conklin
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
long, pointless, and not funny at all. Sorry.
A dog that hadnt eaten in 3 weeks jumped up and tore his face off. Just like that. Chimps'll do it, too. You have to be careful. You have to walk around on fucking eggshells out here or you might just walk on glass. Im five years out of that goddamn bathroom where i left the nightime chills, window sills, spoon and pills and rolled-up bills. Hey, more than that, allmost i think 6 or seven years? But the 3 before the last 2 are a mess of fog and slurring haze that no one can remember but me, and i was blacked out for most of it. I am on the verge of a fucking nervous breakdown here. Its bad enough worrying in a way that is only half-joking, and only then so that it isnt all real, about the goddamn aliens and WHAT THEY ARE DOING up there and what have they got in store for YOU as you lie in bed too terrified to open your eyes at 3 am.....but now you have other things to worry about, dogs who are dying though they arent even sick, evil swine who are driving the fucking wagon towards the cliff at 500 MPH, insane family and all-too-sane coworkers. Youve got to worry about a car you havent seen in a year, because it blew up. Youve got to worry about whats going to happen in 10 years when your brothers get a chance to be as fucked up as you are, abour whats going to happen in ? years when someone finaly notices and brings the hammer down hard on your head, right at the exact second that you remember you forgot to wear your helmet that day...Yeah but sometimes you forget to worry and those are the times that you must concentrate on. Stretch them out as long as possible and refuse to let them end because their ending means the fucking Kracken will rise up again and then you are properly fucked. But in those times, ignore everything else. Tune it out. Ride the train you are on until it slams into the platform at the other end of the line, and then crawl up out of the wreckage, ignore your wounds completely, and kick as hard as you can at the door of the train on the oposite platform until they let you in so you can start the ride again. Because its fucking cold out there and if you wind up having to WALK, youre in for it. Thats a long, shitty walk through hostile teritory with no supplies at all except a big neon sign advertising your vulnerability and inadequecy. Sure, sometimes you may be strong enough to make the walk, but not by yourself. Fuck no. So when you are by yourself, make sure you are on the train, see? or at least on the tracks. There is no shame in defeat. There is only shame in surrender. When it is raining, it is foolish to attempt to stay dry. When life hands you lemmons, burn them to the ground, salt the earth 3 feet thick, and then kick life in the balls until it gives you the grapes you asked for in the first place. Never trust anyone that doesnt have any scars. "Ignore all alien orders and communications". Allways walk on the sunny side of the street. invest everything you have in whatever makes you happy. fuck everything else.
12:13 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, March 04, 2005
Speaking of Indiana Jones
When I was a kid, and I would get together with the one friend I had back then (we are talking like pre 1987 here), a kid named Sam, we allways did one of 3 things. We would either play with our Masters of the Universe Action Figures, which wasnt often becuase i had a habit of chewng the heads off of mine, or we would have "ninja practice", which was exactly what it sounds like and allways ended with blood, tears, grass stains and at least one broken couch or appliance, or, if it was a good day, we would play Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones was awesome, because Sam and I would BOTH be Indiana. We each got the cool jacket, the cool hat, the fucking bullwhip and machete (which we thought was a sword because we were like 9 years old), and the impenetrable coolness of a renegade archeologist hell-bent on keeping the great treasures of the world out of Nazi or Thugee hands. (fucking Thugee bastards...)Now, Sam had all sorts of toys. He had a shitload. He had the fucking Moon of Endor playset, Jabas palace playset, a fucking AT-AT walker. He had the goddamn Milenium Falcon hanging from his ceiling with fishing line. Fuck. He had Gi Joes, Masters of the Universe that still had their heads AND their weapons, and, fuck me running, he had not only the Castle Greyskull playset (i destroyed mine when i closed a very young cat inside of it and hurled it down the stairs), but ALSO the entire fucking Hordak's Evil Horde and their hideout. He had Snake Mountain, where Skeletor lived, that had, I shit you not, a goddamn VOICE DISTORTING MICROPHONE IN THE SHAPE OF A SNAKE ON IT that you could talk into and hear yourself sounding seriously evil. But we never played with the fucking things. This must have infuriated his parents, becuase while the toys were left to moulder in a corner, we were bouncing off the fucking walls with our imaginary floppy brown fedoras, singing the Indiana Jones music at the top of our lungs. "Du-da-da DAH, dududa, du da da DAAAAAH, du du du duuu duuu!!!!!" Fucking ROCK ON! These are the best memories of my life. Once, in a moment of sheer inspired genious, we put Raiders of the Lost Ark, which had the previous evening been taped off "the Movie Loft", into the VCR and TAPED THE SOUNDTRACK onto a blank tape on my Fisher Price, so that we could actually HAVE THE FUCKING INDIANA JONES MUSIC AND DIALOGUE playing in the background while we ran around like lunatics, bashing each other with wifflebats (swords) and running into walls as fast as we could. God, we were fucking awesome.
10:51 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Friday, February 11, 2005
Johnson&Johnson email prank (KY Jelly)
Hello to all my friends at Johnson and Johnson. I am writing today to let you know about a disturbing experience that I had recently, that unfortunately involved one of your many products. First, let me say that I have been using your products ever since i was a baby and your "no more tears" baby shampoo perminently burned my retinas. Later, I suffered the stagering pain of my prepubescent leg hairs being torn out by your "band-Aid" brand adhesive bandages. Later still, while in High Shool, your various diferent kinds of "baby powder" did nothing to quensh my horrible daiper-rash, even when i snorted it, which cased me to wonder if it was even made from real babies. I have had many misadventures with your products, too numerous to list, and yet i have continued to remail a loyal consumer. After all, you have been keeping the world healthy and happy since 1324, or some shit. Anyway, about a week ago, i was in my local drugstore shopping for the latest exciting J&J product, when i happened upon a tube of something called "KY Jelly". I had never seen this before. "Huh, I didnt realize they were making food...when did Kentucky start making Jelly for Johnson and Johnson?" I wondered. But I knew never to look a gift horse in the mouth, as it were, so i decided to give the Kentucky Jelly a try. I figured, "hey, i like jelly, and ive never been to Kentucky, so what the fuck, right?" Wrong. Let me tell you that the Kentucky Jelly is by far the WORST tasting jelly i have ever put into my mouth. But thats not the thing that disturbed me. After retching at the awful taste and texture of the Kentucky Jelly, I spat it out and looked for the ingredients, thinking "what the flying toothless fuck is in this shit anyway?!?!?!" To my suprise, there WAS no ingredients, only "directions for use". And what did these directions say? TO APLY THE KENTUCKY JELLY TO MY GENITALS before eating it. Now I must ask you, is this some kind of sick joke? Ill have you know that its not very funny. I wanted to give you people the benefit of the doubt, and even though i couldnt see how my love-stick could possibly make the Kentucky Jelly taste any better, I tried it. Do you have any idea how dificult it is to get your own penis into your mouth? Aparently, it is completely imposible. All i suceded in doing was hyperextending several vertebre in my neck and severely laccerating my lower intestine. What the hell were you people thinking?Please send me as many free samples of Kentucky Jelly as legaly possible. Yours, The Right Rev. Mint Conklin
and more...
Thursday, February 03, 2005
ConAgra part deux
So the other night i went to buy more pot pies. I noticed that they also sell beef pot pies, so i decided to give them a try. Let me tell you, they are disgusting. If you have ever been to Australia and tried a "meat pie", you know what i mean. Like dog food in a flaky crust. Well, true to form, i decided to let ConAgra know about their failure.Hello to all my friends at ConAgra Foods!You may recal my recent coments regarding your Banquet brand Chicken Pot Pie (CPP), the absolute best and most magical food on earth. Unfortunately, I am afraid that what i have to say today is not as encouraging. The thing is, I decided to try your Banquet brand Beef Pot Pie (BPP). I thought, hey, i love beef, i love pot, and i love pies, it stands to reason that i would love the BPP! Well, if by "love" you mean i felt as if every molecule in my body had suddenly turned into pig diareahh, then yeah, i loved it. If by "love" you mean that i stripped paint from my kitchen ceiling with torrent after torent of steaming, highly acidic vomit, then yeah, i loved it. If by "loved" you mean i have cried myself to sleep every night since, and havent even been able to get out of bed without drinking at least a liter of tanqueray, then yeah, i fucking loved it, you goddamn douchebag. Im sorry. I dont mean to be abusive. I know its not your fault that the BPP was a complete and atrocious debacle, a lump pf pure, unadulterated BADNESS that should never have been concocted, let alone marketed and eventualy unleashed on an unsuspecting public. I cant even masturbate with this lump of putrescence. Please remove it from the market as soon as possible. If i eat another one of these abominations i will surely die. Thank you. Conklin...OUT!
ConAgra part deux
So the other night i went to buy more pot pies. I noticed that they also sell beef pot pies, so i decided to give them a try. Let me tell you, they are disgusting. If you have ever been to Australia and tried a "meat pie", you know what i mean. Like dog food in a flaky crust. Well, true to form, i decided to let ConAgra know about their failure.Hello to all my friends at ConAgra Foods!You may recal my recent coments regarding your Banquet brand Chicken Pot Pie (CPP), the absolute best and most magical food on earth. Unfortunately, I am afraid that what i have to say today is not as encouraging. The thing is, I decided to try your Banquet brand Beef Pot Pie (BPP). I thought, hey, i love beef, i love pot, and i love pies, it stands to reason that i would love the BPP! Well, if by "love" you mean i felt as if every molecule in my body had suddenly turned into pig diareahh, then yeah, i loved it. If by "love" you mean that i stripped paint from my kitchen ceiling with torrent after torent of steaming, highly acidic vomit, then yeah, i loved it. If by "loved" you mean i have cried myself to sleep every night since, and havent even been able to get out of bed without drinking at least a liter of tanqueray, then yeah, i fucking loved it, you goddamn douchebag. Im sorry. I dont mean to be abusive. I know its not your fault that the BPP was a complete and atrocious debacle, a lump pf pure, unadulterated BADNESS that should never have been concocted, let alone marketed and eventualy unleashed on an unsuspecting public. I cant even masturbate with this lump of putrescence. Please remove it from the market as soon as possible. If i eat another one of these abominations i will surely die. Thank you. Conklin...OUT!
More old shit that i find awesome
I wrote this YEARS ago, but im in a dry spell right now so here you go.
Friday, February 11, 2005
the Karate Fucking Kid
I've been thinking allot today about the karate kid. The third movie was a waste of ass, but man, I have to say that the first two had a profound effect on me growing up, and still have an effect today. The original Karate Kid was released in the United States in 1984. I was seven years old. My mom took me to see it, and it literally changed my life. Up to that point, my only exposure to the mysteries of being fucking awesome came from Indiana Jones, and the Kung Fu movies that I watched with my dad on Sunday mornings. Indiana Jones was the shit, but he wasn't Mr.. fucking Miyagi. Not by a long shot. The Kung Fu movies were great, but they were totally inaccessible to my 7 year old mind. I could understand that kicking ass was awesome, but the subtleties of Asian martial arts culture eluded me, no matter how hard my dad tried to explain it to me. Not that he knew much about it beyond a basic understanding of Zen Buddhism and its relation to ass-whuppin. Then along came Mr. Fucking Miyagi. From Okinawa. He was a small, unassuming old man with a ironic sense of humor and a very thick, often unintelligible accent. He was like a human version of Yoda, but not as much of a weirdo. Miyagi was the kind of person that you make friends with right away, the first time you meet them, and that's exactly what happened with Daniel Larusso. I identified very strongly with Larusso. As a child, my family moved around quite a bit. I was often plunged into new environments with new challenges and new people who didn't like me. I went around wishing I was tougher, wishing I knew some karate. I went around wishing for my own Mr.. Fucking Miyagi. Watching Miyagi build Daniel-San up from a whiny, helpless punk into a whiny, determined ass-whuppin machine had a very deep impact on my life-view. I realized the importance of balance. I realized the importance of always waxing off what you wax on. I learned that violence is never the answer, but it helps to understand how it works, in case you are set upon in a deep fog by a bunch of Cobra-Kai bitches dressed up like skeletons.The final sequence of the first Karate Kid movie is amazing. Daniel-san, after Billy, aka Sensei Kreese's bitch, BREAKS HIS FUCKING LEG with a fucking illegal sweep to the knee, is all but forced out of the All-Valley Karate Tournament. After all, his fucking LEG IS BROKEN. He cant walk. "A man cant walk, he cant fight", right? Thats what evil-ass Sensei Kreese tells his misguided Cobra Kai bitches. Miyagi gets really worried, Daniel-San's mom is crying, his hottie girlfriend is crying, all hell is breaking loose. Daniel-San is on a fucking stretcher in the locker room with his FUCKING LEG BROKEN. Hes crying and pissing his Gi and doesn't know whether to shit or what. Miyagi, calm as you please, does some crazy Okinowan Alexander Technique shit and sets Daniel-San's leg. Daniel-San gets up, staggers back into the ring, and bows to Johnny, the Head Bitch of the Cobra Kai Dojo. Johnny is all like "what the hell, I thought you broke his fucking leg" and Sensei kreese is PISSED. He actually starts screaming "finish him Johnny! NO MERCY" or some shit. Johnny comes running up to "finish" Daniel-San, but Daniel-San pulls out the Crane Technique and fucking drops the bitch with a kick to the face. WITH A BROKEN LEG. That's when that awesome song comes on:" your the best, around, nothing in the world can drag you down" and everybody comes rushing out of the stands to carry Larusso, broken leg and all, on their shoulders because he has defeated the evil Cobra-kai and won his title a ALL-VALLEY KARATE CHAMPION. Fucking awesome. Tune in next week, when I talk about the Karate Kid pt II. Daniel and Fucking Miyagi journey to Miyagi's homeland of Okinawa, where a whole new kind of shit hits the fan....
Friday, February 11, 2005
the Karate Fucking Kid
I've been thinking allot today about the karate kid. The third movie was a waste of ass, but man, I have to say that the first two had a profound effect on me growing up, and still have an effect today. The original Karate Kid was released in the United States in 1984. I was seven years old. My mom took me to see it, and it literally changed my life. Up to that point, my only exposure to the mysteries of being fucking awesome came from Indiana Jones, and the Kung Fu movies that I watched with my dad on Sunday mornings. Indiana Jones was the shit, but he wasn't Mr.. fucking Miyagi. Not by a long shot. The Kung Fu movies were great, but they were totally inaccessible to my 7 year old mind. I could understand that kicking ass was awesome, but the subtleties of Asian martial arts culture eluded me, no matter how hard my dad tried to explain it to me. Not that he knew much about it beyond a basic understanding of Zen Buddhism and its relation to ass-whuppin. Then along came Mr. Fucking Miyagi. From Okinawa. He was a small, unassuming old man with a ironic sense of humor and a very thick, often unintelligible accent. He was like a human version of Yoda, but not as much of a weirdo. Miyagi was the kind of person that you make friends with right away, the first time you meet them, and that's exactly what happened with Daniel Larusso. I identified very strongly with Larusso. As a child, my family moved around quite a bit. I was often plunged into new environments with new challenges and new people who didn't like me. I went around wishing I was tougher, wishing I knew some karate. I went around wishing for my own Mr.. Fucking Miyagi. Watching Miyagi build Daniel-San up from a whiny, helpless punk into a whiny, determined ass-whuppin machine had a very deep impact on my life-view. I realized the importance of balance. I realized the importance of always waxing off what you wax on. I learned that violence is never the answer, but it helps to understand how it works, in case you are set upon in a deep fog by a bunch of Cobra-Kai bitches dressed up like skeletons.The final sequence of the first Karate Kid movie is amazing. Daniel-san, after Billy, aka Sensei Kreese's bitch, BREAKS HIS FUCKING LEG with a fucking illegal sweep to the knee, is all but forced out of the All-Valley Karate Tournament. After all, his fucking LEG IS BROKEN. He cant walk. "A man cant walk, he cant fight", right? Thats what evil-ass Sensei Kreese tells his misguided Cobra Kai bitches. Miyagi gets really worried, Daniel-San's mom is crying, his hottie girlfriend is crying, all hell is breaking loose. Daniel-San is on a fucking stretcher in the locker room with his FUCKING LEG BROKEN. Hes crying and pissing his Gi and doesn't know whether to shit or what. Miyagi, calm as you please, does some crazy Okinowan Alexander Technique shit and sets Daniel-San's leg. Daniel-San gets up, staggers back into the ring, and bows to Johnny, the Head Bitch of the Cobra Kai Dojo. Johnny is all like "what the hell, I thought you broke his fucking leg" and Sensei kreese is PISSED. He actually starts screaming "finish him Johnny! NO MERCY" or some shit. Johnny comes running up to "finish" Daniel-San, but Daniel-San pulls out the Crane Technique and fucking drops the bitch with a kick to the face. WITH A BROKEN LEG. That's when that awesome song comes on:" your the best, around, nothing in the world can drag you down" and everybody comes rushing out of the stands to carry Larusso, broken leg and all, on their shoulders because he has defeated the evil Cobra-kai and won his title a ALL-VALLEY KARATE CHAMPION. Fucking awesome. Tune in next week, when I talk about the Karate Kid pt II. Daniel and Fucking Miyagi journey to Miyagi's homeland of Okinawa, where a whole new kind of shit hits the fan....
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Curacao; infections, comic gold
so the little lady and i just got back from a week in curacao. six days of sun, water, rum, and 10oz Venezualen pilsners. At some point, i seem to have brushed against the dreaded Devil's Nettle, and now i have a horrible festering mess on my leg that wont go away. The good dr. gave me some antibiotic for it today, but given my distrust of antibiotics i think i will wait unitl friday to start taking it.
Now, whilst in curacao, two things happened that i thought were hilarious. First:
In Ortabanda they have a bridge that is retardedly high. It is high enough that cruise ships pass beneath it, so were talking HUNDREDS of feet here. Looks like a goddamned roller coaster. Tiny little guard rails, no median, etc. Terrifying. I didnt want to drive over it but i had to, one day. So i girded my loins, gripped the wheel in a maniacal death-squeez and drove. Of course, right when i get to the apex of this span of terror, and the sun glints off the ocean a THOUSAND MILES below, a fucking hornet flew into the car.
That would be bad enough. A man of less composure would, at that point, simply cut the wheel and drive screaming to his doom. But i am cool. I am ice. I do not falter. Instead of driving over the edge in an orgasm of frustrated fear, I started swerving madly from lane to lane, thus allowing me to swat at the hornet while still scaring the shit out of Katelyn.
The hornet, who i am convinced was graced with a sense of ironic dickishness, decided that the best response to my calculated swerving and seemingly frantic flailing, was to fly up the leg of my shorts.
With that, the impervious facade of unshakable confidence that i normaly exhibit flew out of my asshole at about mach 9. I became, in the words of one Egon Spengler, "terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought".
Try to imagine our rented pickup barreling over this bridge at about 80kph (my only thought was to get to the OTHER SIDE before the inevitable ball-stinging commenced, at which point i had no doubt i would drive this fucking truck into the nearest obstacle at top speed), swerving slighly, the passenger screaming at the driver, who appears to be punching himself in the penis with wanton fury. It must have been a sight to behold.
The good news is i didnt get stung. Somehow the little fucker (the hornet, not my penis) flew away and all was well.
The other funny thing was a resturaunt bathroom i saw. One door had a picture of a man and said "men. The other had a picture of a woman and said "women". Still another had a picture of a person in a wheelchair and said "out of order". Awesome.
Now, whilst in curacao, two things happened that i thought were hilarious. First:
In Ortabanda they have a bridge that is retardedly high. It is high enough that cruise ships pass beneath it, so were talking HUNDREDS of feet here. Looks like a goddamned roller coaster. Tiny little guard rails, no median, etc. Terrifying. I didnt want to drive over it but i had to, one day. So i girded my loins, gripped the wheel in a maniacal death-squeez and drove. Of course, right when i get to the apex of this span of terror, and the sun glints off the ocean a THOUSAND MILES below, a fucking hornet flew into the car.
That would be bad enough. A man of less composure would, at that point, simply cut the wheel and drive screaming to his doom. But i am cool. I am ice. I do not falter. Instead of driving over the edge in an orgasm of frustrated fear, I started swerving madly from lane to lane, thus allowing me to swat at the hornet while still scaring the shit out of Katelyn.
The hornet, who i am convinced was graced with a sense of ironic dickishness, decided that the best response to my calculated swerving and seemingly frantic flailing, was to fly up the leg of my shorts.
With that, the impervious facade of unshakable confidence that i normaly exhibit flew out of my asshole at about mach 9. I became, in the words of one Egon Spengler, "terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought".
Try to imagine our rented pickup barreling over this bridge at about 80kph (my only thought was to get to the OTHER SIDE before the inevitable ball-stinging commenced, at which point i had no doubt i would drive this fucking truck into the nearest obstacle at top speed), swerving slighly, the passenger screaming at the driver, who appears to be punching himself in the penis with wanton fury. It must have been a sight to behold.
The good news is i didnt get stung. Somehow the little fucker (the hornet, not my penis) flew away and all was well.
The other funny thing was a resturaunt bathroom i saw. One door had a picture of a man and said "men. The other had a picture of a woman and said "women". Still another had a picture of a person in a wheelchair and said "out of order". Awesome.
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